Ebb + Flow

Neil Zlozower, my photography mentor, has told me many things over the eight years that I have known him, but the philosophy that he tells me most often is that everything changes and nothing stays the same.  I try to keep this thought in back of my mind to give me perspective during times of change, but for a person who cannot accept even television breakups, it's a tough reality.  

Walking without attachment and realizing the impermanence of our entire existence is something I have had to get very familiar with as life is in constant transition with a baby.  I have seen this most obviously in terms of my schedule.  Some days I really feel like I nail being a mom.  I wake up early, make breakfast, get Wally down for a morning nap, make it to the gym, come home, make lunch, do a post or an edit, have dinner with my husband and put Wally to bed.  I cross off every single box on my to-do list and it feels amazing.  On an even rarer occasion, this happens several times in a row, making for a very productive work week.  After a week like this, I get high off of feeling accomplished.  I become elated so when the pattern changes, I come down hard.  For example, following a very busy week prior, this week, Wally got a bad cold.  I am basically shut down and thrown off balance as we are quarantined inside the house.  When this happens, I lose my momentum and start to feel like I am not accomplishing my goals.  All of the work that I did last week disappears and all I see is the few days that I am home and unable to work.  As a mother, I have to accept that daily change in inevitable.  I am trying to slow down and enjoy these days with Wally because I know they won't last forever but as I get more invested in all things business, it is more difficult to reschedule meetings.  If I have canceled on you in the last week, I am so sorry but know, it is out of my hands. 

I also try to embrace shift and change during times when I experience a friend flux.  I know that girl relationships don't have the best reputation and typically words like drama are used to describe the dynamic but this is only natural as women have lots of emotions and fluctuating hormones.  I pride myself in being peaceful and would love to claim that these relationships no longer exist in my world.  After all, I am a woman in my 30's and we can't possibly still have dramatic friend endings at this age.  Unfortunately, despite my efforts at communicating effectively, every once in a while, it still happens.  I try to remind myself of Neil's wise words and not hold on to anything too tight but at the end of the day, losing a friend can be just as painful as losing a partner.  The older I get the more I invest in every relationship, especially now that my baby and husband are involved so losing a friend is very difficult.  My husband has a lyric in a song that says "some friends fade away and some friends become your family," I hear these words playing in my mind when I experience a painful patch and also play Neil's words in my head to remember that times are a changing.

Whether it be accepting the shifts of daily to-dos or the change in relationship dynamics, I am working hard to ebb + flow and release my desire to control what is out of my hands.  It's funny, when I was in my early 20's, Neil gave me this wisdom while I cried over an ex-boyfriend.  At the time, I swore he just didn't understand but now, as an adult with many moving parts in my life, I realize it was me who didn't get it.  Embracing the flow can be so simple and with this philosophy in mind, life is much easier.